Bureaucracy is the route to your first million, satirist says

In a satirical commentary published by SRF, cabaret artist Lisa Catena explains how people can become rich by managing problems instead of solving them. Her central rule is simple: keep the problem alive so it can generate as many invoices as possible.

Catena says people who work hard but still cannot afford a Porsche are making one basic mistake. They finish tasks too quickly, solve a problem once and get paid only once. The professional, she says, does the opposite: “Survival of the most bureaucratic.”

She presents four techniques for becoming a millionaire.

1. Delay everything

During the hot summer of 2026, elderly people in care homes suffered badly. An inexperienced practitioner might suggest installing air conditioning. That would be wrong, Catena says, because it would not generate enough money.

Instead, the process should begin with a heat plan, an energy analysis, a procurement procedure and a pilot project in the west common room. This should be followed by a report on whether the approach could be transferred to the east common room.

The problem would remain unsolved, she says, but at least the money would have experienced something.

2. Sit things out

It has been known for years that cities are heat islands. Selling a few trees would bring money only once. The proper approach, Catena says, is to map the heat islands, develop a sponge city strategy, examine conflicts between root space and utility lines, and apply for project funding.

If everything goes well, an administrator might plant the first tree in 2037. In 2038, a study could conclude that the higher temperatures now require a different species.

3. Pathologise the problem

The latest PISA study shows that reading and mathematics skills are falling dramatically, Catena says. A practical person might conclude that a child who cannot read should learn to read. But that would be irresponsible, she argues.

Perhaps the child does not have a reading difficulty but a “temporary written-language potential-development blockage”. First, there should be an assessment, support diagnostics, a progress meeting, a reading coach and sensitised parents.

Simply giving the child a book would mean missing the entire chain of support, she says.

4. Look away

Catena calls looking away the supreme discipline, comparing it with Viola Amherd’s handling of the F-35. An amateur would have read the contract, checked the fixed price, noticed that no fixed price existed and refused to sign it.

Instead, she says, armies of lawyers, the VBS leadership, the federal councillor with a law degree and external law firms charging more than 800 francs an hour professionally did not read the contract.

One person could not read the contracts and another could not sign them, Catena says. Everyone earned handsomely. The Centre party learned from the episode and now wants a second seat in the Federal Council.

After the parliamentary Control Committees report, Catena says she would welcome two Centre federal councillors: one who could not read the contracts and another who could not sign them.

Catena is a Bernese satirist, presenter, musician and columnist. Her “Zytlupe” commentary analyses the highs and lows of the political week through satire.